Sunday, April 19, 2009

Last Week

That was a tough week!

I have not been feeling well, and I had to miss another day of school. Ever since I was on all those antibiotics during IVF, I have had problems with my digestive system, and it's becoming disruptive to my everyday life. On Thursday, I couldn't even stand up straight I was in so much discomfort. My greatest concern is that my ulcerative colitis will come out of remission. But if I call my doctor about it, I will have to wait who knows how many weeks before I see her, and she will just refer me to the gastroenterologist. And, then I'll wait some more while I get a referral to see the gastroenterologist (we have HMO insurance - shades of socialized medicine...). Then the gastroenterologist will want to do a colonoscopy. I'd rather avoid all that, if I can, because I can see it interfering with the FET. So, for now, my plan is to start a probiotic and see if that puts my system back in balance. I wish I'd thought of this weeks ago.

Anyway, I've been feeling so lousy that we were only able to walk on Monday, and haven't walked or exercised since then. Hopefully, I will feel good enough today to get a walk in.

On Friday afternoon, I participated in an IEP meeting regarding one of my students. While I can't go into the details here, just let me say that I am so sick of the lying, neglect, blame, etc., that come from some parents who are PINOs (parents in name only). I've been grumpy about it all weekend. These precious children deserve better. In just eight weeks, it's no longer any of my concern (officially), but I worry about some of these kids and the way they are having to grow up. Breaks my heart.

This week I will have an office hysteroscopy. Dr. D. wants to make sure that a septum has not reformed before we do the FET this summer. Wouldn't you know it, they want to put me on antibiotics again for this procedure. My gosh! I've taken more antibiotics this year than I've taken in the ten years before now.

Yesterday, I had to process the news that some family members are expecting their first child. I am so happy for them, but sad for us. Why is it that other people's good news has to hurt my feelings? I hate that! I remember feeling this way when I was single and other people would announce their engagements. I guess it's human nature to feel that way. Anyway, I think I'm over the worst of it now. The wonderful possibility is that if we do succeed in this quest to have children, they will have some cousins about their age to grow up with. That would be very sweet.

In my sadness yesterday, I was recalling a song in my memory by Margaret Becker called Say the Name. It's about the power in the name of Jesus. I have been calling on His name this week in my struggles. I needed to hear that song, so I found it on iTunes and downloaded it. Then I went on a search for more CCM songs from the late 80s and 90s that I had loved but that I never hear on the radio anymore. I came away with about twenty songs from Bryan Duncan, Twila Paris, The Imperials, Russ Taff, Leslie Phillips, Michael W. Smith, and Steven Curtis Chapman. Good stuff! When I focus on the right things my heart aches less.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - 
if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things. 
Phillipians 4:8


Alex and Jill said...

I'll be praying for your tummy...I know what those antibiotics can do to you. Ugh.

It's totally normal to grieve upon hearing someone else's news of pregnancy. I did MANY times and I hate that you're having to feel that pain. As always, you have the sweetest spirit about things. I'm praying God will bless your patience, sweet friend.

I love Phil Mom used to sing me that scripture to me, whenever I had a bad dream. I still sing it to this day.


K said...

I'm sorry your week was so bad and that you haven't felt well. Have you discussed with your doctor taking probiotics while on antibiotics? Have you ever heard of Super K yogurt? I think that's what it's called, but it's yogurt with a super high number of live acidophilus (sp?) cells, like a billion per teaspoon! After having some severe gastrointestinal issues myself last year, this is what got me healthy again.

I'll be praying for you.

Kudo said...

God bless you my friend this must be such a hard time for you. It doesn’t make it any easier when you don’t feel up to par, have to work with deadbeat parents, and have to try to be happy for others when your heart aches so badly. I so pray your dream come true. Please know I am praying for you that God gives you the peace to get through this difficult time.

Swampgirl said...

Tough times...hang on...number the days until summer vacation. Sorry you are not feeling well, I second the opinion of yogurt! It keeps me going. I can so relate to the difficulty of being happy for the good news of others. My best friend got pregnant when I was trying so hard. It was so sad...even though I was so happy for her. I had a couple very emotional weeks -sad, angry, grief, numbness. She shared her baby with me and her son became the love of my life. My son finally came to be but I've always felt that loving her baby was my good luck charm!

Michelle said...

So sorry about you not feeling well. I know how it interferes with wanting to exercise and be healthy.

I so know what you mean about those parents. Although I do miss certain things about working at the school I don't miss THOSE parents at all.

As for the sadness over the pregnancy news, I can so relate to this so much! Lately I have been feeling that same way not only when I hear about a friend's pregnancy, but also when I see a whole bunch of people getting their referrals too. I feel so guilty even saying that. I guess it is a normal feeling for people who have been through as much as we have trying to start a family but I still feel bad when those twinges creep in. I am thankful that they tend to go away as quickly as they come and then I am able to be happy for them again.

Shannon said...

"When I focus on the right things my heart aches less." Thank you. I will try and remember that.

Thinking of you and all that you are going through. Hugs and prayers.

Parisienne Farmgirl said...

You are smart, so smart to go on a probiotic! Do you have the book "prescription for nutritional healing" it's a lifesaver...
Oh, I am on the same page as you about the 80's 90's Christian music. Margaret Becker was a fav of mine and I would live to see her in concert as a teen. I loved to rock out to Immigrants Daughter! And the song, "Just Come In" - well, there are no words.
Funny you should say that, I have been cranking Amy Grant's "Lead Me On" album in the kitchen lately.
My childhood chiropractor went to school with MW Smith and once got his autograph for me...over the moon!!!
I am sorry about the pain that your family news caused you. I can not imagine.
You are wise to quote scripture to combat and sort through feelings and emotions.

Oh, I love the PINO. I encountered one of those a the store yesterday. Truly heartbreaking - I can't imagine what you have seen.

Homemaker Ang said...

the imperials were always a favorite of mine! i bet i can sing every one of their songs! i had every cassette!

I do know how you feel somewhat when people announce their good news (although nothing like you as I do have children and do not want to underestimate what you are saying). i had miscarried twice in a row and felt everyone was watching me and then they knew someone was pregnant and when they announced it they would all look my way and I wanted to scream, not because i wasnt happy for the couple but i felt like everyone was watching my reaction! then I had to go to baby showers, etc. not fun... it puts you in a weird place and all that. i am sorry. it hurts...

do you remember degarmo and key?

mekate said...

Hope your belly settles- antibiotics kill mine and probiotics will help I hope-- they always help me. I hate feeling belly-bad, I find it disrupts all of my plan making-- I don't dare go to far from a bathroom and that is pretty limiting! I have a colitisy thing (not ulcerative) and have finally beat it into remission with acupuncture and a very limited diet.

I hope the hysteroscopy goes well or went well-- and that all is a go for your FET.

So, I am wishing you healing and gentle belly thoughts-- hope you survive the last of the school year. Warmly, Kate

Kayce said...

Sorry Joannah you're feeling so yucky, you're in my thoughts and constant prayers. Hugs.

Lea said...

Lots going on for you but you never seem to waiver. Like I have said before, I admire you so much for your strength and faith.


Alyson and Ford said...

You are so wonderful... living your life. I actually felt peace when I read this post. Not sure why...

Alyzabeth's Mommy for Seven Months!