Saturday, August 9, 2008

I feel like an ugly black cloud has engulfed me today. My emotions have been in the vicinity of anger, frustration, and despair most of the day. Poor Michael has had to bear the brunt of it in desperate phone calls I've made to his Brussels hotel room. I have been a real turd today. Michael would vouch for that.

It's not that I'm not pregnant that is tearing me up. It's that Michael's travel schedule is very likely to prevent us from trying naturally or with ART for the next two months. He doesn't have a lot of travel scheduled. It's just scheduled at the wrong times. I am angry that his job interferes with our family planning. I'd like to take it out on his boss (irrational - I know!), but I take it out on him instead. I don't want his job to prevent us from having children. That would be very hard to accept.

Right now I am trying to take the progesterone through tomorrow in hopes of timing the next IUI to happen after his next trip. The nurse I spoke to didn't like that idea, but I'm taking my chances. She was concerned that even though my period isn't starting that I may be developing new follicles already. It seems to me that it's better to take the chance than to run the risk of not having another opportunity at all this month.

This is hard. It is so uncomfortable to be unable to control the outcome of all this. I hate that my husband is on another continent, and I hate that I have to be here by myself with all these horrible emotions.

One of the things Michael and I could agree on today is that it's time to have another consultation with our doctor and see what he thinks we should do. We really haven't had a great deal of communication with him since we first sat down with him at the end of October last year. I think we really need to talk to him, and the sooner the better. He will probably advocate for IVF and that's probably a good idea, but the expense of IVF is daunting and there are no guarantees. We don't have the resources to try that two or three times and then move on to adoption if it doesn't work out.

I hope things will become clearer after my husband returns on Monday.

10 comments:

fuzzandfuzzlet said...

I am so sorry. I would not return to my TTC years for any amount of money.

This is too much information but you and I are on the exact same cycle. Because of that your most recent attempt made me way too aware of my cycle. It brought back all of the emotions, all of the being aware of what day of the month it is every second of every day. Even tho I don`t (really) want a baby at this stage of my life, it was odd to be that in tune to my cycle again.

Good luck as you decide on the next step. DH and I were only able to do one IVF and still afford adoption. Even tho our one IVF failed it was very good for us. It pretty much convinced us that our family would not be built via pregnancy and gave us the assurance we needed to move on. Our son was born almost exactly 9 months after our failed IVF.

Paula said...

I'm sorry too Joannah. I know exactly what your going through. When we were in our early 40's we were trying and I remember being so aware that there are only 12 tries per year and I almost felt frantic that every month I was getting older and lessening my chances. I think you have a good game plan. Talk to the Dr. again, try the IVF and then adoption. I am a mom of a bio child and an adopted child and I can tell you, there is absolutely NO difference in the amount of love I feel between them. I love Hannah as if I bore her from my womb.

Michelle said...

I agree with fuzz and fuzzlet. I wouldn't go back to that time in my life if you paid me. It was so heartbreaking. I'm so sorry you're having such a bad day. It must be very hard to have to go through this without the support of your husband.

I'm thinking of you!

Lisa is coming to visit and I think she's trying to cook up a get together with Kristen and Shelley. Would love it if you could come! I'll let you know more when I know.
Take it easy.

Tammy said...

Oh your post has reminded me of those dark days. Between the disappointment, the schedules, the planned 'deeds' and tampering with the hormones is a recipe for erratic emotions. It's tough.

Take care.

PIPO said...

I am so sorry, sweet one. Your pain echoes in my own bones. I remember. The decisions can be so hard.

You're in my heart.

Shannon said...

Sending you whatever you need to move past this cloud and refocus.

Stephanie said...

I echo Pipo. My heart and soul know your pain so so well. I know. I will continue to pray for you... Hang in there.

Kristen said...

I am hoping that clarity comes to you...

You are in my thoughts.

Kathy and Joel said...

You already know my feelings, kid. Chin up and know you are deeply, deeply loved.

Sandy said...

(((HUGS))) IF sux! I agree that it's time for a consult with the RE to lay out your plans. Sending P&PT your way.