Monday, December 31, 2007

Dear Anonymous...

Please don't take this the wrong way, but at 40 your odds of getting pregant diminish greatly. Your RE should be upfront and let you know what your chances are at 40. There is hope, but the odds go down because women are born with all the eggs they will ever have and the quality goes down with age. Don't waste time with clomid. It decreases the uterine lining and makes implantation harder, especially in older women. Try a few IUI's and then if you can or need to, do IVF. IVF can at least give you an idea of egg quality. Every month is important at this age. I hope this does not sound negative, but it is realist. Good luck!
Unless you yourself are an RE, I don't know why you are lurking around giving fertility advice. Everybody's body is different. You know nothing about me. IVF is a huge commitment financially, and it doesn't always work, either. My husband and I will chart our own course, thank you. We know that our odds are diminished - I don't need you to enlighten me about that. It hangs over my head every day. And, our RE has been upfront with us. It sounds to me like you've had your own experiences with infertility and you're assuming our situation is like yours. Once again, everybody is different. I guess what bothers me about this more than anything, is that it was left by someone anonymously. If you have something to say, then sign your name to it.

It really bugs me that people, nay, strangers, interject themselves into such personal matters. So, from now on, only registered users will be able to post comments here. I just don't need an ongoing lurker to continue leaving comments and unwanted advice. I tend to feel more comfortable with advice when it's given by people I know and trust.

That comment really bugs me after the party we attended last night where all my husband's friends obviously knew we are trying to have a baby. We were asked all kinds of questions, and given advice - you know the old standby, "Just relax. It will happen." I hate that! I am relaxed, but I'm being proactive, too. After all, I'm forty and my chances are "diminished".

One of Micheal's friends had had several glasses of wine before he came up to me and said, "So, you two are trying to procreate?" What??? What are you asking me??? At a party??? And, because Michael doesn't elaborate as to why we're having a hard time, I have to stand there and listen as everyone assumes it's me. I don't want to make him feel bad in front of his friends, so I don't reveal to them that it's a male-factor infertility issue we're dealing with. Anyway, we had a talk about it on the way home. I hope it doesn't happen again.

Ugh! Now I know why couples keep these things to themselves.

Lastly, thank you so much to those of you who left encouraging comments and shared your stories with me. I appreciate your kindness and honesty. I really do.


Mob said...

I totally agree. Another one I hate is: "Oh, your trying to adopt? well you know that you will get pregnant now for sure" I'm in my late 40's, unless God has a miracle in store for me, I don't think so.

Sandra said...

I agree with you. I am sorry that you got such a comment. I still don't understand why people feel it is their right to put their nose in your business, but yet post anonomously...

Sending you and hubby lots of support and happy New Year! May all your wishes come true...

Michelle said...

I hate anonymous commenters. Like you said, if they have enough nerve to comment on your personal affairs, they should have enough nerve to sign their names to it. Don't listen to them. There is no reason why you wouldn't get pregnant right away. You are both healthy and from what you said there don't seem to be any major problems. For every woman over forty that had trouble getting pregnant, I know at least three or four that had no proble whatsoever. Keep the Faith!(which I know you will) As far as the comments about trying to conceive, you kind of learn to just shrug them off. Most of the time. People often don't think before they speak. On Christmas day, my Mother-in-Law basicaly told us we were much too old to be starting a family and she didn't know how we were going to do it. Whatever.
What am I gonna do. I can't control what other people say. Only how I react to it.

AprilMay said...

Hon, I'm so sorry! Some people are so nosy and rude!! Sadly, you will have to deal with these sorts of comments now, during your pregnancy and/or adoption, and beyond! Just take deep breaths and remind yourself that you have actual MANNERS. ;)
And hey...if I can accidentally get pregnant at 37 (one night and too much wine!) ...than you certainly can at 40!!

Kathy and Joel said...

Sadly, I am sure that each of us could write a book of the insensitive comments others have made relevant to our infertility. I hate that so many people begin to feel as though they have all the answers and that their situation or their "friend's" situation is exactly like ours. Grr!
The next time someone tells you to "relax" ask them if that is the advice they would give to a diabetic who was going into insulin shock. Or ask them if this is the advice they would give someone going through Cancer treatment. Don't have chemotherapy, just "relax" and the cancer will go away. Sigh.

Jacquie said...

Oh my. To be blunt some people can be so stupid! Yup I said stupid!

Annonymous should have the balls to post with a name!

I'm so sorry you had to deal with a crappy comment, that is so not cool.

Tammy said...

Oh my gosh, how uncomfortable. At a party? Just goes to show what too much alcohol can do to a person - shuts off their filter. Sorry you had to deal with that.

I admire your openness. When my hubby and I were doing the infertility dance no one knew because I didn't think I could handle the questions, whispers or pity. Trying to conceive is painful enough.

BTW, I LOATHE the "just relax" comment! ACK! Getting pregnant is a little more scientific than that. You can be sure that anyone who as EVER said these words has NEVER had trouble getting pregnant, and if they have, shame on them.

It's great that you've established your cyber friends who understand that building a family isn't always easy.

Good for you for being proactive and your own advocate. You will be a mom - however it happens, it will happen. I'll say an extra prayer for you and your hubby.

Terri @ in His hands said...

Ugh. I think I've heard it all and no, I'm not surprised that you heard it at a party---been there (many times unfortunately).

The commenter on your blog probably was trying to help, in her own way, but it would be nice if she didn't do it anonymously. Don't let it bother you.

I agree with the other commenters, it will happen---you will be a mom.

Something to look at for both of you:
acupuncture (and drinking that yucky tea)
Tao of Wellness in Santa Monica is great, I know the families that own it if you need more info.

You know I'm lifting you up in prayer---always.

Stacey said...

I understand how you feel. We have BTDT, but I have several health things stacked against me. I tried Clomid, but all that got me was a huge ovarian sisk and surgery. After that I was done. We started looking at adoption.

It sounds like you are healthy. I know it is hard, but things will work out just as God has planned for us. My Mom was "surprised" with me at 41. My oldest brother is 54, and my youngest sister is 49. They were 20 and 15 when I was born.

You will be a great Mom! I'll will be praying for you.

LID 8-8-06
child's name - Jadalyn Cashion