Friday, March 5, 2010

Our Vigil

Although Michael started off the day better than he was yesterday, it was obvious that he is changing. I wish the changes were positive, but they don't seem to be. He refused to eat or drink much of anything today, seemed out of touch with reality, and became more and more physically restless. I had to start giving him an anti-anxiety medication as he was trying to get out of bed. He is much too weak to do so without hurting himself. When he was having a hard time last night, I asked him if he was giving up and he said soon. Sigh...

Lots of tears have been shed today.

We had visits in the afternoon and evening from my mother-in-law's parish priest and from our Pastor Ray. Michael has been blessed and prayed over so tenderly by both of these godly men. I know we were all comforted by the words and compassion they shared with us.

Tonight I contacted hospice and asked if we could transition to their "continuous care" program. So our case worker came out and assessed Michael. She says his blood pressure is low, his pulse is fast, and his upper lungs are clear, but she agreed that we both will benefit from having some ongoing assistance from here on out. She couldn't give me any sort of a timeline because of his young age and strong heart, but she acknowledged that his body is changing.

I'm expecting the overnight nurse to arrive by midnight, and my parents are here with me until then.

Right now Michael seems comfortable. The lights are low. I've got hymns softly playing. And I'm hoping he will have a peaceful night.

45 comments:

Michelle said...

I wish you both a peaceful night. I have been praying for both of you.

slowney said...

Some time, God, in wisdom heals someone into death rather that back into life. If that is what is happening I wish Michael a peaceful passing. My heart goes out to both of you.

AprilMay said...

Oh no...this hurts my heart. Maybe he just had a bad day and tomorrow will be better? I am praying for a peaceful, quiet and restful night.

KHM said...

So sorry, this is very tough. I am praying for all of you

Jenna said...

I am so sorry you are going through this.
I know it is no way the same, but I remember going through hospice with my mom, and having to say good bye to her, it was so hard when you know that the other person is just ready to let go, and no matter how much you don't want them to leave you, you hate to see them suffer. I am just so sorry you are going through all this.. I can't even imagine the pain, my heart hurts for you and your loss, and you lost dreams...
I will continue to pray for a miracle, and I will continue to pray for comfort for both of you.
I am just so sorry you are facing this.

Ken said...

Joannah,

We love you both so much.

Ken & Catherine

Christi and Abbey said...

tears are rolling here too, our hearts are with you!

Kate said...

I begin my day here on the east coast in prayer for you all. This also brings tears to my eyes and grief to my heart. I am so so sorry.

~k.

Two Kayaks said...

Like Kate, it is early morning here in Toronto and I an thinking about you with a warm heart. Hope that you all had some good rest last night and that Michael wakes with renewed strength.

Diana said...

You are in my thoughts and prayers each day...

Penny Malley said...

It's 4:13 here on the west coast, but I think the Lord woke me up so I can pray for you two right now. So that's what I'm going to do. Hang in there, Joannah. His mercies are new every morning. I love you both.

Homemaker Ang said...

I am sorry. I hope you can get some well deserved rest this eve (Saturday here)xoxox

Michelle said...

I am not even sure what to write, please know that my prayers are with you and Michael during this time.

Number 6 and no more counting! said...

Joannah,

Please know you are in my close thoughts and prayers.

Lea
xo

Parisienne Farmgirl said...

Oh Joannah.

Donna said...

Joannah, I'm so sorry. Words fail me.

Donna

Special K said...

I think of you every day. I hope that knowing there are people all over this world holding you in their hearts can bring you some comfort through the most difficult times...

Sandra said...

Joannah, I don't have words. I am so sorry. Please know you are in my thoughts all the time.

Alex and Jill said...

I just can't help but cry when I read this. I don't even know what to say, sweet friend.

Know that my heart hurts for you both. Our homegroup has been lifting you both up in prayer and will continue to do so.

((BIG HUG))

Mary said...

Joannah, I have been following your blog for years. The fork in the road, your journey with Michael is such a love story! My heart aches for you. You are an amazing women, you are inspiring and so faithful. Please know that you and Michael and all of your family are in my prayers.

Mary
Praying on the East coast

Kayce said...

We hope your night was a peaceful one and that today is a brighter day. You are in our prayers Michael and Joannah.

Kayce and Mike and family

Deb said...

Lifting you both up in prayer. I hope that you had a peaceful night.

Polar Bear said...

All of you are in my thoughts and prayers. I hope the night was restful for you both.

Thinking of you.

Stacy

Owen said...

You are in our prayers. How lucky he is to have you!

Shauna and MacLean said...

I wish you peace and prayers as you deal with this most difficult time. Know that there are people who don't even know you praying for you.

hearts2home said...

My heart is crying for you both as I read this. Prayers are being said for you and for Michael. Praying for the new day ahead.
Sarah

Jenny said...

Oh Joannah. I am in tears. I am so sorry. We are praying for you.

Kudo said...

Every minute and day is a blessing may the nights be restful and your days be peaceful and your heart be full of the love coming to you from around the world.

Kate said...

Wishing you peace and love and comfort with your families at this time. It sounds like he's getting fantastic care from his loved ones and the health care team. I hope they can give him the best possible quality of life for the rest of his time on earth, and that he passes gently when the time comes.
You're so very strong and loving to be carrying hope and yet allowing him to do things in his own time.

Julie said...

Hugs and prayers.

dawn said...

Hugs and love.

Leigh said...

Sending you a great deal of love and prayers! Praying for peace beyond understanding!

Jacquie said...

I wish I had the right words to help right now....know you both are in my thoughts and prayers.

You are such a peaceful soul and Michael is so lucky to have you beside him through this journey.

K said...

I hope your night went well and that you slept well with the nurse nearby.

Please don't feel that Michael is giving up. His body knows the end is coming and it's preparing. Remember how fasting works and why Christians fast? I believe that that's why the appetite is one of the first things to diminish near the end of life. Doctors will tell the you non-essential systems shut down first, like digestion, but being a Christian gives up deeper insite into things, doesn't it?

If Michael could, I know he'd fight to stay on this earth with you as long as possible, but he's being called Home and that's a powerful call, especially since he's grown so close to God and our Savior so recently. Michael loves you, it's so obvious in all the pictures you've posted. He'd never leave you if he had a choice!

mekate said...

Oh Joannah,
I so agree with K,

and I send you love and love and love and love
and a wish for peace.
I want to acknowledge how hard it must be for you to call hospice, and how brave.

cancer does suck. and I am so sorry you have had to be so intimately acquainted.

and you, sweet Joannah, please sleep when you can, care for your self and soul and body as best you can even now.

holding you gently in my heart always.
kate

Michele said...

you are in my thoughts and prayers!Michele

Sunny said...

I think you about every day. You and Michael are in my prayers. You're an amazing wife.

Abby's Mom said...

Prayers and Hugs from Abby and I!

Sara said...

Lots of love, Joannah.

Catherine said...

Praying for you...

Alyson and Ford said...

We are hurting for you and Michael. May you have some peace; you are so loving and are a blessing to Michael.

Alyzabeth's Mommy

Paula said...

I'm so sorry Johannah. I'm praying for peace for both you and Michael.

Alex and Jill said...

Thinking about you this evening...can't seem to sleep. Saying lots of prayers, as I know the days ahead are going to be so very hard. I'm so thankful that Michael came to know the Lord before his passing. I have no doubt that your testimony played a huge part in that. Know that your faith through all of this has impacted my life as well.

Much love,
Jill

Ann said...

Please know that you are in my thoughts. peace to you and your beloved husband.

Ann said...

Please know that you are in my thoughts. peace to you and your beloved husband.