Saturday, February 20, 2010

Tears

I cry every night - every night since we have not been able to sleep in the same bed together. I feel robbed of the most tangible comfort I ever knew. I miss cuddling with my husband before sleep, making love, and even hearing him snore periodically through the night. Now I find myself in a big half-empty bed. He still greets me with a smile in the morning, but I have to walk into the other bedroom for that. No more morning cuddles in bed.

As his body gets weaker, he has less energy for conversation. I miss talking about our future plans - whether they be about our next weekend getaway, this summer's vacation, home improvement ideas, or the babies we've tried so hard to have. We planned to do so much together. That was one of the things Michael has said he loves the most about being married - shared goals. We had a lot of those. Now I can't even imagine what my future holds, but I know it will be much different than I expected it would be just a year ago.

So much is slipping away from us. Each day a little more of him is suppressed by the effects of the cancer. He is still sweet and kind, attentive to me, but more quiet and withdrawn than in weeks past. It's heartbreaking. This isn't supposed to happen at this stage of our lives.

My house is cluttered with medical equipment and supplies from hospice, and various items we've purchased or been loaned in vain attempts to make Michael more comfortable. Nothing here is normal anymore.

Lest you think my faith is shaken, it is not. But even Jesus wept.

Weeping may last through the night,
but joy comes with the morning.
Psalm 30:5

32 comments:

Michelle said...

My heart is breaking for you both and I am in awe of your faith.


Peace and Love to you both.

Jan said...

Oh Joannah, my heart breaks for you.

I so admire your faith, courage and strength - most of all your faith. I don't think that I could be as strong.

I wish that I could take away all the heartache you both are facing.

Sending lots of love, ((hug))s and prayers your way.

Number 6 and no more counting! said...

xo my friend.

Lea

AprilMay said...

My heart is crying too. This is just so not fair!! Cancer sucks!! Hold onto the reality of your eternal future...one that you will share with Jesus and your sweet husband.

Calico Sky said...

Oh Joannah, so true "even Jesus wept" as he is filled with sorrow when we are, so good to hold onto.

(((hugs))) and loads and loads of prayers!

Alex and Jill said...

Crying with you, sweet friend.

Kate said...

Please know that I am sharing this sorrow with you both. I can hardly bring myself to read your updates...but I am and I AM praying for you all. My heart breaks for you and your lost dreams...

Please take care...

Kate

Special K said...

No one deserves to shed a few tears more than you right now. I know you have the strength to keep walking through what you have to... but don't be ashamed to let the tears go when you need to. There are many of us out here shedding tears with you, too. Hugs and prayers...

Homemaker Ang said...

i am sorry...

Kate said...

I can't even begin to imagine how strong you are and how you're holding it together right now. I'm very impressed by how you and your DH are handling this right now. Can you sneak in to his bed for a cuddle sometimes, or is that too much of a strain for him?
I think it's wonderful that you're doing all you can to maximize his quality of life at home for the time you've got left together. And that your faith is helping you through this.
Hope he's not in too much pain and is able to get some refreshing sleep.

Abby's Mom said...

SO wish I had the power to make things better... ((((HUGS)))

Homemaker Ang said...

our family has your blog up the speakers turned on to enjoy your music from here. While I am making buckwheat pancakes as I listen I am praying in the spirit for you and M. its 7 am your time, i hope you are still sleeping and wake up to a peaceful morning. I will eat an extra pancake for you :)

Donna said...

It's impossible for me not to try to imagine myself in your shoes. I'm sure I couldn't handle myself with even half as much grace as you. I hope you and Michael can have some snuggles and smiles. I wish you could have some miracles too.

:::hugs:::

Donna
Our blog: Double Happiness!

Kate said...

Just nominated you for an award. Don't feel obliged to write everything up for it with all you've got going on, but I thought you should know your blog's appreciated!

Isabella's Mommy and Daddy said...

It is ok to cry my friend..
BIG HUGS..
Love ya..
I am always here for you and many others..
YOU are sooo strong..

wzgirl said...

Hugs, Sweet Joannah. Hugs & tears. xoxo

Alyson and Ford said...

I still remember watching my brother climb into mom's bed and holding her like it was yesterday.
It would be the last time he held mom physically. In his heart, he holds her still...

Your words make it is easy to feel your arms around Michael.
His peace be with both of you.
fm

~K said...

Let the tears flow... the emotional release will only make you stronger.

Although I pray for the miracle that will take your tears away...

XOXO

Michelle with a K said...

Love love love love love to you both. Your strength amazes me, but doesn't surprise me one bit.

onesillymama said...

I can't pretend to imagine what you are feeling right now, but have lots of hugs for you and Michael. Having faith that God has a plan for you doesn't mean you can't also be sad. I think of you both and send prayers of peace to you daily.

dawn said...

I, for one, don't how you stop the tears from flowing.
Your grace and strength is a guiding light to so many of us. I would do anything I could to change this for you both and I don't even know you in person yet for so many years you have shared your heart with us.

Hold his hand, sit close and snuggle and for just a few minutes allow the thoughts of both of you to drift to a far away place to where happiness is.

t~ said...

Praying for comfort for you both as you find your new normal.

Sara said...

Oh Joannah, how I wish I could ease your pain. Can you send me your address so that I can mail you a little something? My e-mail is scolket [at] gmail.com.

Although the future for you is so uncertain, I am thinking it may hold some writing and some ministry. You have a gift for both.

Jenny said...

Joannah, I am so very sorry. Praying for you as you walk through this deep valley.

Sandra said...

Joannah, I have no words. I hope you can find some peace on this journey. I am so sorry.

Paula said...

This is so not fair. I am crying with you..

Shelley said...

Joannah, I've always been in awe of your strength and clarity in the face of this tragic turn of events. But it's only natural for it all to catch up to you.

Cry. You need the release. You, Michael and your families have all our love and prayers.

xo,

Shell

Two Kayaks said...

The road you are walking is difficult, no doubt. Cry when you need to and let it all out. You are loved.

Leigh said...

My heart truly breaks for you. There really are no words. I can not begin to imagine how you must be feeling. You're right, Jesus wept. And when you weep, He counts your tears! Praying for the joy that comes with the morning!!!

You are a pillar of strength and courage. I truly admire your faith. I continue to pray for that miracle that will take your tears and heartache away!

Know that you are loved and cared for and there are many who weep with you! Love and prayers being sent your way!!!

Kristin said...

You and Michael are never far from my thoughts and prayers... wishing you well.

Kristin

Kayce said...

You both were in my prayers this morning at church. I prayed for your peace and for comfort for you both. You are both in our constant thoughts here.

Kris said...

in those moments, when you wake, hold him there in your thoughts for a moment- bathe him in that light of your love, as i know only you can do.

how my heart breaks for you joannah, for him.

i am so remiss that i've been absent all this time as you've been facing the toughest days together.

i am praying for infinite peace, that his transition to the next life is seamless, without suffering.