Friday, February 12, 2010

Heavy Hearted

We just woke up here at Santa Monica/UCLA Hospital. After our appointment with Dr. K yesterday, we had to make some tough decisions. The chest x-ray on Wednesday showed that Michael's cancer treatment has not been effective. Dr. K said to quit taking it immediately. He said that anything else he might prescribe would have a very slim chance of being effective, and he did not recommend it. We were in agreement that it's time to stop all treatment. Lots of tears were shed, but I think we knew this was coming.

Dr. K did recommend that we address the issue of the fluid in Michael's lungs. That's why we're here at the hospital. Today Michael will have a procedure to drain the fluid and to insert a catheter in his lung(s) so that we can drain the fluid at home in the days and weeks to come. Michael was very reluctant about all of this, but the doctor and I convinced him that it would improve the quality of the life he has left to live.

When we leave the hospital later today, we will have arrangements with hospice for the remainder of the journey.

Our hearts are broken, of course. I'm trying to keep my mind on the day at hand and hold it together. I will be making arrangements to take an indefinite amount of time off to be home with Michael from here on out. I have a lot of peace about that.

Words cannot express how incredibly difficult this all is, so I'm going to leave it at that.

76 comments:

Number 6 and no more counting! said...

oh my gosh. My heart bleeds for you my friend. But, as usual I am stunned by your ability to be so brave.

XO Lea

Michelle said...

Oh joannah. I am sitting here in tears. I am so very sorry for you all. So very sorry. You will be in my prayers in the next weeks.

aroundtheworldand2kids said...

I am literally sitting here in tears reading this, Joannah. I wish there was something I could say that would make this better, but I can only offer this...

I am thinking and praying for you both. I will be praying diligently for you all...for strength, for comfort, for God's presence, for a sense of peace in the midst of the heartache.

I am so sorry my friend.

Sandra said...

Joannah, I am so sorry. I feel guilty for complaining about what is going at our home which is so minor compaired to what you are going through right now. I wish I had words.
Sending you lots of hugs. I admire your strength and your courage so much. I also know you wouldn't have that if it wasn't for your strong faith. I admire that more than anything. ((hugs))

Shelley said...

Oh Joannah,

I am heartbroken for you both. Please let me know if you need anything. You are both in my prayers.

(((hugs))),

Shell

Donna said...

Joannah and Michael, I'm so sorry. Life is such a gift but it's often so unfair too. My heart is breaking for you and you'll both be in my thoughts and prayers often.

Lots of love,

Donna

Jenny said...

Joannah, sweet friend. My heart is grieving for you. We will continue to pray for Michael and you as you walk through this time. I pray for sweet moments of peace and joy in this time of grief. If we can do anything at all, please let me know.

Penny Malley said...

I don't know what to say. Joannah, I'm so sorry. I am on my knees for you both and will be for the journey ahead. I'm here for you, always. Day or night. Call anytime, friend.

Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.
Phil. 4:7

Cheryl said...

Oh Joannah. My heart is breaking for you.I pray for the peace of Christ that transcends all understanding for both of you. Lots of love to you both.

Elaine said...

Johannah, My heart is so very heavy for you and Michael right now as well. I will be praying in the days to come for you both.

elainaann said...

I'm a so sorry you are having to go through this. Lifting you and Michael up to our Heavenly Father.

Michelle with a K said...

Hugs and prayers, dear friend. Do not hesitate to ask for whatever you may need in the coming days. I may be 400 miles away, but I am willing to do whatever I can to be here for you. You're both in my thoughts and prayers.

Special K said...

Joannah... there really are no words I can say. Just know that you're often in my thoughts and to see this news today just broke my heart. I will pray for you and Michael both.

AprilMay said...

Add me to the list of broken hearted...I can't even see to write this through my tears. Good thing typing is by touch. Life is so unfair, and this world is so cruel. Take heart...Christ has overcome this world, and I am so glad you both have Him in your life. I am praying that He will walk very close to you right now. I am also touched that you have chosen to share this journey with us, and I can only hope my prayers help in some way.

Michele said...

I am just a lurker from Kansas who somehow stumbled across your blog and have been following you for a while, and I have never commented before. However, I feel compelled now to tell you that my heart aches for what you and your husband are going through. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Two Kayaks said...

Joannah,

We are sitting here talking about you, praying for you and wishing like hell there was something we could do to make this all better. This is not the way things were supposed to go. I wish I could wrap my arms around you so tightly. I wish so many things. I'm so sorry.

shelley said...

Please make the best of the time you have left. Cash in life insurance policies and spend ALL the time together with your family. Life is such a gift....please enjoy the time you have left. Sorrow and crying can come later.

I pray that the peace that only God can provide come upon you and lighten your load.

Jenna said...

I am so sorry.... I am just so sorry... I wish there were better words, but I know there are no words to even come close to making it better. You both will be in my continued prayers. Praise God that Micheal is saved.... I know that brings so much comfort in this incredibly difficult time. I am sorry.

M3 said...

Oh Joannah and Michael, I am so sorry to hear this. The tears started coming while reading your post. You guys are both in my prayers and I'm sending good thoughts and huge hugs your way. I know that words can't help right now, but please know that you have so many people supporting you and sending you love.

Julia said...

You both are in my thoughts and prayers Joannah. Hugs to you both.

K said...

God has put you and Michael on a hard and rocky path - but he is there with you both.

Alex and Jill said...

I'm in tears. I'm so sorry. I wish I could give you a huge hug right now. Covering you and Michael and your families in prayer.

Love you, Joannah.

wzgirl said...

Oh geez. Oh gosh. Damn.

Sending lots of love to you guys. xoxoxoxo

Kristin said...

Joannah,
I am so very sorry to read your sad news. You and Michael are in my thoughts and prayers.

Janet said...

I am so sorry. My prayers are with you. I just can not imagine. God be with you, and grant you peace with this very difficult decision.

dawn said...

Life just is not meant to turn out this way. It hurts so much to know that 2 people with so much love and promise are dealing with this.
My words are just words to you but please know they some from deep in my heart.
hugs to both of you.

Michelle said...

Johannah - I don't even know what to say. I am so sorry. Use this time to be with Michael. That is what is important - as you know. Prayers and Peace.

High On Craft said...

I was directed here by TwoKayaks who has expressed a deep concern for you and your husband. What an amazingly difficult time you are going through. I hope and pray that God lends you his strength as you trudge up this steep, steep slope.

Jeff said...

Joannah, I am so very sorry for the two of you. As the tears flow, I really don't know what to say. But, thank you for coming into Michael's life during this tragic time. I guess that must have been God's plan. I will continue to pray for the both of you. Please tell Michael how much he's loved.

Karen said...

I've been reading your blog since you were in the adoption process (I'm an adoptive mom). I don't even know you, but my heart is breaking for the two of you. You have been so brave to share life journey through adoption, marriage, infertility and now this incredible sadness. You have touched more lives than you know by your writing. I will squeeze my husband and son extra hard tonight as I know that life can change in an instant. You and Michael are in my thoughts and prayers.
Karen
Potomac, MD

Michele said...

Oh Joannah,
I am so sorry for the two of you that you have to endure this. May God bless both of you as you travel this journey together...one that you didnt expect to travel for many years! I pray that Michael finds comfort and peace with what is to come....and that you do as well.

Michele, NY

~K said...

I wish I could wrap you in a big hug... I'm so sorry.

Donna said...

I am so, so sorry. We are keeping you and Michael in our prayers.

Anne Marie said...

My heart is with you both.

3D said...

I am so so sorry to hear this. Keep fighting...we are facing a similar situation with my FIL and he has fought and fought and is still fighting. Surround yourself with loved ones and positive people. Keeping you both in my prayers.

Keep smilin!

Kate said...

I am so so sorry. Words have failed me. My prayers with you all...for peace comfort and grace...

A Beautiful Mess said...

prayers for peace and comfort for you both.

Dolores and Shawn said...

I too was directed to your blog by Two Kayaks. My thoughts are with you during this difficult time.

Diana said...

I found your blog off of another and I am so sorry..My thoughts and prayers are with you and your husband.

mekate said...

Joannah and Michael,
my thoughts and prayers and love are with you.
I feel honored to have been able to glimpse the deep and profound love you share for one another through what you have shared on this blog.
I feel honored every day that you've shared these complex and difficult pieces of your journey with us.

So much is unknown, but with your strong faith and your love for one another, and with the support of your amazing family and all of us sending love in whatever ways we can, I hope glimmers of light find you in the days and weeks to come.

I am heartbroken for you and your incredibly difficult choices. I am holding you gently in my heart.

with love
big wide open, open hearted love.
Kate

Julie said...

There are no words. Prayers for you and Michael.

Aisha said...

I am so so sorry. My thoughts are with you and your beloved right now.

Lilly said...

sending hugs and prayers and hope for what' HIS will will be.

Jan said...

As I type, my tears are falling. I can hardly see the keys. We are so heartbroken for you.

We wish you both comfort and peace. Our thoughts and prayers are with you as you both face what's ahead of you.

A hospice decision is never easy, however, they will provide much comfort, love and support. They are truly God's gift.

Sending lots of Love and ((Hugs)) your way.

Jan, John & Jillian Rose

Susan said...

My heart breaks for you and I pray for peace and comfort for you both.

Daniella said...

sending prayers for comfort and peace to you, Michael and your families.....
Daniella

Lisa and Tate said...

I am so sorry my thoughts heart and prayers go out to you two.

Lisa

Noelle said...

I was directed here from another blog. I went back and read your posts from the last year. It is evident that you are truly an amazing person. I have learned so much and have grown by just reading your story. The love that you have for Jesus and your husband is just amazing. You continued to praise Him even though you just kept getting lemons thrown at you. You have shown such love, and I have been brought to my knees through reading your words. I know that what I say is probably not a comfort to you right now, but I am going to pray for you. I remember that you wrote about the fact that God knows what your specific prayers are and that the Holy Spirit is able to relay exactly what is on your heart. So I will pray, not knowing exactly what you need, but my prayer is that the Holy Spirit will tell God exactly what you need.

Dear God,
I pray for Joannah and her dear husband. She has touched my life in a profound way, as I am sure that she has touched other's lives. Please protect her heart right now and give her the strength to keep going through this difficult time. Please give her the strength to keep loving you and having faith in your plan. Please hold her husband in your hands and help him be at peace. I know that he accepted you as his Lord and Saviour, and there is nothing more wonderful than that. Please let him know that you love him and will be there for him. Please wrap your arms around him and bring him the peace that only you can bring.
In His Name,
Amen

I am going to continue to pray for you.

Eliza2006 said...

Praying for you to have the strength you need to endure. You and your family are in my thoughts.

EllieNat said...

I found the link to your blog on a China adoption blog. I've spent the last 15 minutes reading your entries for the last year. I am so sorry. I pray that you are provided with the strength you need at this difficult time.

Jon said...

Joanna and Michael--you are both in our prayers. My heart is with you both!!

Kim said...

This is my first time visiting your blog, Joannah. It saddens me to come at such a difficult part of your journey. My heart is heavy for you and your husband. May He comfort you through your faith and give you both strength during this time. There is so much that we can all learn from your faith, you are truly an inspiration and teacher to us all. I wish I was there to do something to help, whether it be a hug or to help with Michael.

We are out here, but with you, know that you are loved.

xoxoxoxoxoxo

meinsideout said...

Found you through a friend...I cannot imagine that there are any words...we will pray for you, your husband and your families.

Lara (NoodleGirl) said...

I am here through a friend also. I am so very sorry, you are enduring something that is almost unfathomable to the rest of us. My prayers are with you that there is as little pain and as much comfort and peace as possible in the coming months. Hugs.

Beth said...

You and your husband will be in my thoughts and prayers as you enter the next stage of this journey together.

Isabella's Mommy and Daddy said...

I am not sure what to say ....
I am sitting her crying.. you two are perfect..
I hope in the days to come you can both share each others comfort and know that they time together was amazing time..
My heart goes out to you and you are both in my thoughts and prayers..
if you need anything please let me know..
Hugs..

Shannon said...

Oh, friends! My love and prayers to you both.

Gracencameronsmomy said...

I don't know what to say except that I am very, very soryy...if you need anything, let me know,
Lisa

JoAnn in NJ said...

Joannah and Michael,
I am so sorry to hear about this turn of events. But i know you walk with our Father and he will be your comfort and grace.

I also sit in tears for you. I hope that Michael receives the healing that everyone (including me) is praying for.

God Bless you both

Ms. Kueny's Blog said...

Joannah, I am one of Cathie's oldest and closest friends and have known the family for most of my life. I love them all like my own including Michael. I have tears in my eyes after reading your posts and those of others. I am so sorry for this latest news. I have been praying for you all. I am a 5 year cancer survivor and have some idea of what you are going through. Your strength and faith are remarkable. I am so glad you and Michael have had these last few years together although I as well as everyone wishes for more time. I will continue to pray for a miracle and my heart is with you in this difficult time. Love to you all, Dede Kueny

Christi and Abbey said...

Joannah,
Praying through my tears that this will be a time when heaven and earth meet. This is not the end, it's barely the start of the beginning.
May the scriptures come alive and the sting of death be swallowed up in overwhelming victory. Asking that Michael can see everything from His perspective.
Love to you!

Jboo said...

I am so sorry. Keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers.

Janet

Kudo said...

My heart goes out to you both. I have no words just prayers that God comforts you both the only way he can. I am glad you are taking all the time you can to be together.

Eileen said...

I am so very sorry Joannah. May God hold you close.....

Judi said...

I came upon your blog randomly and just wanted to say that I am so very sorry and will pray for you during this time.

Jennifer said...

I have been reading your blog for a while. I am heartbroken for you reading this news. I will keep you, Michael and your familes in my prayers.

Connor said...

I don't have words, but I am truly sorry. Prayers for you and your dear husband.

Keri

MrsSpock said...

Here from L & F. Choosing hospice is a very difficult decision indeed. Sending warm thoughts of peace and healing to you both...

Paula said...

I am heartbroken for you too. I cannot even try to convey in words what I'm feeling for you. I am definately going to stop complaining about my trivial problems. Continuing as always to pray for Michael.

Catherine said...

Oh Joannah! My heart is broken for you and Michael. Praying for you as you share these precious days together.

Calico Sky said...

Oh Joannah, I'm so so sorry. So sorry. You are wonderful, truly wonderful and have shown such grace in your life. I'll keep praying for you both and fasting.

Abby's Mom said...

Joannah I am so sorry. Sending many hugs, thoughts and prayers for you and Michael and wishing that I had the appropriate words to make things better.

Abby's Mom said...

Joannah I am so sorry. Sending many hugs, thoughts and prayers for you and Michael and wishing that I had the appropriate words to make things better.

Sharon said...

HiI might not know you but I know that it's really sad good whishes and hope.


from
Molly and Sharon

t~ said...

Much love and many prayers for your journey ahead.

Kris said...

oh joannah. motherhood has taken me out of the blog loop. i am shedding tears as i read this. i wish i could be there in some way to help- working in this very field, i know the road you face. that he faces. i'm so grateful you two are going home with such amazing support.

how much i wish i could hug you. will you email me? i'd love to have your address.

may god bless you both in all the days ahead.

xoxo.