Monday, December 28, 2009

Uncertainty

Life seems very uncertain right now. Michael is not doing well. We haven't slept well in such a long time because of his cough. He coughs in part because he cannot get a deep breath. The cancer is constricting his airways.

He is having difficulty eating, too. Even his favorite foods don't appeal to him, and he eats just because I nag him to.

The pain in his head and his finger are unbearable at times.

His spirits are low.

I just watched my grandmother succumb to cancer a few short months ago. Too much of this reminds me of her experience right now.

We are going to UCLA today, and I am hopeful we will get some help.

I am hanging on to my faith in the One, and I am trying to be more direct in sharing my faith with Michael. It is difficult to be a believer in Jesus Christ and to watch your loved one suffer without the strength, peace, and promise available in the Lord. If you don't believe as I do, then you cannot understand what I'm talking about. It's a spiritual transaction. I just want that for my husband so badly. I wish this were happening to me instead because what I have in Christ cannot be taken from me by cancer, or anything else for that matter.

Please don't comment if you want to challenge me theologically. This is not the time or the place for that. But, if you are a believer please lift us up in prayer. Please pray for physical healing and spiritual awakening.

17 comments:

onesillymama said...

Joannah and Michael, I am sending you my prayers, positive vibes and everything else I can. I know that when I am not feeling well, like right after a week of treatment, I feel very low and pessimistic, and so does my husband. It's difficult to have faith and hope when you don't see any positive signs. I do understand your difficulties in your spirit right now because I feel them for myself at times too. I don't have anything profound to tell you to ease your mind, but am here, holding your hand in spirit and praying that the peace you seek comes to you soon.

In practical terms, maybe it's time for them to try one of the other systemic therapies on Michael. We've seen so many times among our fellow RCC warriors that a simple drug change makes all the difference. I'm sure your doctors will have some ideas.

More (((hugs))) your way... you have comforted and inspired me in the short time we've known each other and I hope I can do the same.

Liz

elainaann said...

I found your blog through my sister-in-law, Jill's blog.

This post brought tears to my eyes. I am praying for you and for your husband.

Elaine said...

Those of us who share in your belief can understand your sadness. Actually, you don't have to be a believer to hurt when a loved one is suffering, but somehow, someway, having Jesus holding you up when you feel so weary heals unlike any medicine can (or ever will for that matter). I am on my knees right now. For Michael's healing and salvation, and for you sweet friend! I hope the Drs at UCLA can provide you both some help, answers, and rest. Hugz!

Isabella's Mommy and Daddy said...

You are both in my thoughts and prayers.. Love ya girly..
hoping today brings Michael tons of relief..
Hugs..

Sniffles and Smiles said...

Having read this Joannah, I will pray ALL THE MORE FERVENTLY!!!!! Oh, I am so very very sorry that Michael is doing poorly!!! My heart absolutely breaks for you!!! Praying, praying, praying...With much love, Janine XO

MomMom said...

Joannah, I will be lifting you both up to the Great Physician---for Michael's spiritual and physical healing and for peace for you that can only come from above. May you feel the presence of God in a special way.

Sara said...

I wish that I lived closer. I'd steal you away for an hour, take you out to tea and just sit and chat. Oh how I wish I could give you that! I will indeed lift you both up in my prayers. I'm thinking of you all the time.

Could you maybe spend a night at your sister's, and have someone else stay with Michael, so that you can get some rest? You being well-rested may help you in many ways and certainly would not be selfish at this time...in fact, it will help you in your caregiving to Michael.

Prayers and hugs,
Sara

Shannon said...

Prayers for you both. Holding out for positive news this afternoon.

Kathy and Joel said...

I admire the strength you find in your faith, Joannah and I hope that Michael can feel that strength as well. You are never far from my thoughts even though I don't comment as often as I'd like. I read every single post you write.
Thinking of you.

Donna said...

:::hugs:::

I think of you often and I'll remember you both in my prayers.


Donna
Our Blog: Double Happiness!

hearts2home said...

I have followed your blog from afar and my heart goes out to you. I am lifting you and your husband up in prayer, for the spiritual and the physical strength and healing. I have tears in my eyes and prayers in my heart. Please know that you are being surrounded with loving prayers.

Joannah said...

Thank you all for your loving comments and the time you spend praying for us. We had a productive day at UCLA. I'm too tired to blog about it now, but will do so in a day or two.

dawn said...

Hoping that you are both going to get some much needed sleep and that Michael gets some help with his pain.
You are never far from our thoughts in this house either.
Sending hugs to a truly beautiful lady.

Penny Malley said...

Joannah, my heart is breaking as I read this. Going through this time with my Dad, my ONE saving thought is that I know he'll be with Jesus for eternity. I am praying for you and Michael, that you will have boldness to share that you haven't felt before, and that Michael will sense the Holy Spirit's calling. I am re-reading the Randy Alcorn book "Heaven" right now- maybe that would be a good book to read together? NOW is the time for boldness in our sharing; none of us knows how long we have on this earth. Oh, I wish we lived closer because I would sic Ted on him!! :-)
Seriously, know that you both are being covered in prayer.

Debra said...

So very sorry that your hubby isn't doing well. Please know that I will be praying for you all.

God Bless you with His comfort and presence and your hubby with healing and salvation.

Tamara said...

Oh Johanna, I too wish I were close enough to 'steal' you away for a period of time. Just to have a cup of tea, a walk (without talk or words), and to hold you close to my heart and say, "Jesus loves you, this I know!"

Still, through all of this, I am sure that He loves you as He is using all of this to form and shape you into His image.

Hugs, love and prayers,
Tamara

Calico Sky said...

I am a believer and I can only imagine how hard it must be. I'll make this a prayer point.