Sunday, March 15, 2009

Home Again, Home Again

We had such a good time out in the desert. Michael's boss was performing at a large Indian casino and resort out there. My parents met us there and we enjoyed spending the weekend with them. It was too breezy to sit by the pool, so I took a nap in our room Saturday afternoon before joining Mom and Dad for an early dinner. After dinner, Michael went to work, and my mom and I played a few slot machines while Dad did very well for himself at the Blackjack table.

This morning we had breakfast together, then Mom and Dad went on their way (they are spending another night on the road) and we put a few more pennies in the slot machines before we checked out. We both actually won most of our money back this morning. I always like going home with my money instead of leaving it at the casino!

I'm still spotting a bit, but I read here that it's to be expected. That was a relief to me. Michael has to travel for work the day of the BETA test, so I will probably take an HPT on Tuesday morning to get an idea of what we can expect on Wednesday. It's unfortunate that he will be away for several days because whatever the news is, he won't be physically present to either celebrate or grieve with me. Oh, well... I may be alone, but I'm never alone really.

Before we even began this IVF experience, I had come to a place in my heart where I had totally surrendered the outcome. Ever since I did that, I have had such peace of mind. I believe God has a plan for my life, and I trust Him with that. It wasn't always that way for me. All the while I was single, I was wanting to be married. That's the way I'd always envisioned my life. Now, there's nothing wrong or ungodly about wanting to be married, but I can see now that I elevated that desire to an unhealthy place - it became my idol - and that took a toll on my relationship with the Lord. It put distance between us. I wandered in that desert for nearly twenty years.

Now, I'm faced with another unfulfilled desire - to be a mother. I have been actively pursuing motherhood for close to four years, first with the China adoption, and now through Assisted Reproductive Technology. My efforts have not been blessed so far. However, I have learned that instead of growing frustrated and bitter, it is so much easier for me to act in faith and ask God to bless my efforts. If He choses not to, He is still good - so good - and his plan for my life has not become any less perfect. Knowing that, I am not afraid of this not working. Of course, I will be disappointed and sad if it doesn't, but it will not ruin my life or make me pull away from God again.

So, if Wednesday doesn't hold good news, we'll work through the sadness. Come summer, we'll try again with an FET. And if that doesn't work, I will love the life I have, but I won't be doing anymore fertility treatments. I don't even think we'll pursue another adoption. I think I will just be content to be my husband's wife.

I don't mean for this to be a downer at all. That's not the way I feel. I'm just trying to look ahead and see my future as a happy and fulfilled one regardless of whether or not it includes children. It's actually a really nice place to finally be.


Kathy and Joel said...

It's about peace and faith. It sounds like you've got both in hand.

Alex and Jill said...

Joannah, what a great post. And what a wonderful testimony of your faith. Praying God blesses your efforts and gives you the desire of your heart.

Love ya girl!

OH MY #6 said...

oh my gosh. this post has really touched me Joannah. You are lovely through and through. I wish, I wish, I wish, I had half of your complete faith. i would just love to meet you someday. I hope that is in the plan for me.


AprilMay said...

What a beautiful post! This is a lesson we all need to learn. I don't know anyone who has the life he or she imagined (myself included...I always pictured myself with at least one daughter; not three sons!!). I think finding contentment in our situation is one of the hardest lessons we have to learn during our time here on earth.
Still, I pray for children for you!

Penny Malley said...

Joannah, this is not a "downer" post at all- far from it! God is good- all the time. Praying for you, especially since you'll be peeing on that stick alone... but you're right, you're never alone. (And you can always call me as soon as you see the results!!) :)

K said...

What a great post! Faith is wonderful.

Alyson and Ford said...

A beautiful post, wonderful faith and courage.
As you know, children come in different ways so you never know why you are on this journey... keep open minded!

Alyzabeth's Mommy for Six Months TODAY!
Forever Family Day 09/16/08

Homemaker Ang said...

This is so true to be content where we are. It might be easier said than done at many times though as I have walked through other things but not this. I am praying for you!!!!

Don't panic if tuesday nothing shows up though, betas are better so I hear.

Sara said...

A really nice post, Joannah. I hope that children are in God's plan for you and think it's amazing that you put the decision so gracefully in His hands. Grace actually is a word I have come to appreciate immensely, and I am always trying to learn more about (and it's Phoebe's middle name!). You seem to be handling this situation with SO much grace. I am sending up lots of prayers for you!

Lilly said...

I admire your positive actitude and confidance but most of all you have the grace of God by your side. Whatever the outcome, we your bloggers friends will be here with you.

Praying for God's will.

Shelley said...

You're an inspiration. Thank you for articulating what is in your heart. xo, Shell

Shannon said...

Kathy said it very well. You are an amazing woman and you have a path to be a mother in some way or form. Hugs.