Sunday, January 11, 2009

Meltdown

I had a little meltdown last night. Tears were shed. There's just so much to take in right now. I was feeling overwhelmed and discouraged. Michael was a good source of comfort, and he's been really great today.

I guess that what I find to be most overwhelming right now is the financial aspect of the process. If this were happening two or three years ago, I don't think it would be so concerning to me. But, here we are in a major economic downturn and we are being impacted by it personally - California may be issuing IOUs to school districts (but my district is solvent through June), and Disneyland just temporarily laid Michael off. We're developing a side business to create another source of income, but I don't know how long it will take before it's something that will really make a difference for us.

I also remember saying that I'd never do IVF, that I'd just adopt. Well, from what I gather, it's actually more cost-effective for us to proceed with IVF than adopt right now! That, and I've already walked away from an adoption (for a very good reason I might add). I don't know if I'm ready to try it again just yet. So, I'm taking on what seems to be a hugely physically taxing endeavor. I hope I'm up for it.

And, I was telling Michael that it's already been such a long and expensive journey to parenthood. I chose to adopt from China in the fall of 2005, and we've been trying for more than a year to conceive. We're approaching $40k in adoption fees and infertility treatments. It's just a huge amount of money. I'm sure when our baby (or babies) come into our life none of that will matter anymore. But for now...

Anyway, it's just not how I expected things to be. But, isn't that just life? I mean we grow up hearing our parents (and teachers) tell us that life isn't fair, and this is a prime example of that!

I am finding spiritual comfort in reading a book called Hannah's Hope. The author does a good job of giving Biblical insight to infertility, delayed hopes and dreams, and loss. I find it amazing that the Bible, written thousands of years ago, includes the stories of women who grieved because they couldn't conceive - an issue that is so timely for me. I take comfort in the fact that these lives were documented for me, and others looking for spiritual guidance through infertility, as the Bible was being compiled and canonized. What a gift.

Sorry if this all seems a bit disjointed. I have felt out-of-sorts this weekend with all that is coming up and the head cold I'm fighting. Thanks again for your prayers and encouragement.


13 comments:

Sandra said...

I can't say that I've been there, but I can certainly put myself in your shoes and understand your feelings this weekend.

It sounds like Michael is a great support for you.

Sending you hugs, my friend.

Michelle said...

Totally understandable. Thinking of you...........

You are in my prayers every single night.

Michelle said...

Hugs to you, friend. Praying for you!

Alex and Jill said...

Wish I could be there to give you a big ((HUGS)) The unknown is so scary and there are many unknowns in all of this, aren't there?

I read Hannah's story over and over and over...it gives me continuous hope.

I'm covering you in prayer, sweet girl.

Lisa and Tate said...

Sending HUGE hugs your way...

Lisa

AprilMay said...

Of COURSE you had a meltdown! Girl, I would've had at least fifteen of them by now! Yes, the economy is scary, and that amount of money is scary, and those needles! Oy! Talk about scary! But remember...fear is not of the Lord! He does not want you to travel this road in fear...only in trust. :) I am praying for you!

OH MY #6 said...

Even in your "disjointed" feelings you are still looking for help reading Hannah's Hope. I like that. So many people just want to talk about their problems and not look for resolve. I don't think I have met anyone like you before. You give me hope, girlfriend.

Lea
xo

Kristin said...

I'm sorry Joannah, I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you and Michael.

Kristen said...

YOUR, more than anyone, UP for it girl... your allowed to be cranky, your allowed to feel sorry for yourself...

Because it won't last. You'll get through this and any more hurdles that will come. You have that strength. You showed the world, all of us anyway, that you have that strength when you made the very right decision to marry Michael.

Your in my thoughts always... as you are always a source of strength for me.

Hope your cold clears quick... HUGS

Kayce said...

Sending you lots of prayer and hug Joannah. Keep the faith.

fuzzandfuzzlet said...

Been there, done that, bought the Tshirt. It sucks.

Your feelings are sooo valid. I have had a lot of bumps in my life, but infertility is the one that truly taught me that life is NOT fair.

Enjoy the book, I connected with Jennifer YEARS ago when I was TTC ( my oldest is now 10, what does that tell you?) Her mission was fairly new then.

Good luck on the making the finances work, you are right, it could not come at a worse economic time. I hope things get better for you guys soon.

Alex and Jill said...

Have been thinking about you today. Hope it was a better day.

((HUGS))

Kathy and Joel said...

The process is all so very overwhelming and so emotionally charged. With everything that you have gone through, it's no wonder that you are feeling this way. Please know that I am always here for you in whatever way you need me.