Saturday, July 12, 2008

Complete Meltdown

I was elated when my period started this morning, because I knew we could start scheduling the appointments for our upcoming IUI. So, I put in a call to the doctor's office and was waiting for them to return the call when my husband got a call.

He has to leave six days earlier for his upcoming tour than planned.

He has to leave the day of our IUI.

I spent maybe two seconds in a state of shock, before I proceeded to complete meltdown mode. The tears flowed and flowed. I was making the ugly crying face - couldn't help it.

My husband tried to be supportive - well, for a few minutes anyway.

Then he grew frustrated with me, and I told him that his attitude was making me feel very alone in this hurt and disappointment.

Then he snapped back into supportive mode, which we had just talked about last night, because he hasn't yet learned to avoid saying things like, "Don't stress about it," and, my favorite, "Relax." As sweet and sensitive as he can be, he just doesn't get it, yet. I know he has a good heart, so I just have to chalk it up to ignorance on his part. He's still in training.

Then the doctor's office called back, and I was still crying. I explained to the nurse why I was upset, and she said they could freeze some swimmers if need be. I'm less than enthused about that, because frozen sperm aren't as good as fresh ones. Sigh...

The best case scenario right now is that he won't leave until the afternoon of our first insemination day - so it'll be the fresh stuff. But day two will be frozen.

The worst case scenario would be that I'm not ready on time, and we use frozen sperm both days.

I am angry with his boss for throwing this out last minute. This earlier departure is for a personal event for his boss - one that I'm sure has been planned for quite a while and could have been mentioned sooner. I hate that our very personal endeavor to become pregnant is subject to my husband's travel schedule and the whims of his boss.

I want to look on the bright side, but right now I'm hurt and angry.


Lori said...

I am so sorry, our journey to our future children is filled with such emotional swings, it's exhausting at times. I'll be praying for you guys

Shelley said...

Oh Joannah - I feel for you. I know I'd be frustrated too. Hang in there. Shell

Anne Marie said...

Oh Joannah -- I am so sorry. I would have felt *exactly* the same way...and my husband did react the same way when we did IUIs, IVFs and the beginning part of our adoption. I think the best he could do after being supportive for awhile was to just tune it out a little and nod -- which actually was OK sometimes -- I just needed a live human to be on the other end. I hope that doesn't sound like I am putting him down -- he is a wonderful guy, just as I know your husband is, but he is built differently emotionally than I am. It is so hard to look on the bright side when the stakes are so high. (((Big hugs)))

Anne Marie said...

oops...wanted to post again with my blogger account so you would know who I was.

AprilMay said... frustrating! I'm sure your sweetie felt a bit trapped between you and his boss. I would be angry and hurt also! Sometimes husbands just don't know what to say, or how deeply we feel things. I tell you what; nothing makes me angrier than when mine does the "eye roll" at me! Maybe you WILL use the frozen sperm, and you can give God all the glory when you end up pregnant!

OH MY #6 said...

I can completely understand your frustration and the meltdown. You deserve it.

I am so sorry you are feeling upset.