Thank You

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has been so loving and supportive during this difficult season. Michael passed from this life to the next knowing he was loved by so many. What more could any of us ask for, right?

Today's memorial service was befitting Michael's spirit in so many ways. From the group of musicians who shared their talents to honor his memory, to the hundreds of friends and family members who attended and offered their condolences. When I began to plan Michael's memorial service, it was my intention that we honor him for who he was - and he was so wonderful - and give glory to God for what he had done in Michael's life. Because if Michael hadn't asked Jesus into his heart, we wouldn't have been able to celebrate much of anything today. It just would have been a sad occasion for a nice guy who died too young.

We're all going to leave this earth one day. Some of us will learn that we have a terminal illness like Michael did, and we'll have time to reevaluate our lives and perhaps choose to embrace the gift of life that Christ offers us. Others will die unexpectedly without the time to contemplate the pages of the Bible and the claims of Christ. But one way or the other, we are all going to have to stand on the choice we made or didn't make in this lifetime. So, I'll advise you as I advised my dear husband on a late summer day last year when we first came to understand how aggressive his cancer was - don't leave this world without Jesus. I praise God he listened to me for in doing so he not only assured his salvation, but he also gave me the gift of comfort and peace I could only have in knowing he believed.

This blog began as my marriage did. It was a new season of life full of hopes and dreams for a long, happy marriage and lots of babies. I know that God will still make all things new, but I'm going to need a new space for my blogging to continue in a more private way. I have already invited most of my blogging friends to join me at my new site, but if you would like to be invited, please email me. I will consider each request carefully. And know that if I don't give you the link, it's not personal. I just need a space where I can be honest about being a young widow and living through this season of grief.

With love to you all,

Joannah

Memorial Service

Michael's memorial service will take place next Wednesday, March 17th at 10:30 am. We will be gathering at the original Cottonwood Church property - 3311 Sausalito Street, Los Alamitos, California. Please be aware that this is not the new church property off of Katella.

~ All are welcome ~

You Can Help

In memory of Michael, please consider making a donation to either of the organizations below:

UCLA Kidney Cancer Program

or

Kidney Cancer Association

Thank you so much.

Michael Labrador

Sweetest Husband

Beloved Son

Dear Friend

December 10, 1955 - March 7, 2010

Our Vigil

Although Michael started off the day better than he was yesterday, it was obvious that he is changing. I wish the changes were positive, but they don't seem to be. He refused to eat or drink much of anything today, seemed out of touch with reality, and became more and more physically restless. I had to start giving him an anti-anxiety medication as he was trying to get out of bed. He is much too weak to do so without hurting himself. When he was having a hard time last night, I asked him if he was giving up and he said soon. Sigh...

Lots of tears have been shed today.

We had visits in the afternoon and evening from my mother-in-law's parish priest and from our Pastor Ray. Michael has been blessed and prayed over so tenderly by both of these godly men. I know we were all comforted by the words and compassion they shared with us.

Tonight I contacted hospice and asked if we could transition to their "continuous care" program. So our case worker came out and assessed Michael. She says his blood pressure is low, his pulse is fast, and his upper lungs are clear, but she agreed that we both will benefit from having some ongoing assistance from here on out. She couldn't give me any sort of a timeline because of his young age and strong heart, but she acknowledged that his body is changing.

I'm expecting the overnight nurse to arrive by midnight, and my parents are here with me until then.

Right now Michael seems comfortable. The lights are low. I've got hymns softly playing. And I'm hoping he will have a peaceful night.

Feeling Better

After a long day of waiting and feeling very discouraged, things improved in the evening yesterday. Michael has been feeling better ever since, he slept fairly well (or so my SIL tells me), and he says his throat feels better today.

So, I'm hoping he will be in good spirits and eat well today.

Thank you for lifting us up in prayer.

Feeling Helpless

Michael is having a difficult day. He's got a sore throat, so he's not been much interested in eating and communicating with his mom and me is a great effort. On top of that, the hospice nurse is determined to get him to "go". So, I just had to give him some sort of liquid concoction for that. He is not in a good mood. In fact, I do think this is the first day he's really felt discouraged and depressed.

Seeing him so weak and down in the dumps is heartbreaking. I want to be able to say or do something to make things better for him, but there doesn't seem to be anything I can do right now.

Cancer sucks...

Peace and Quiet

As busy as last week was around here, I'm happy to say that this week is moving at a much slower pace. We have far fewer visits scheduled and that is allowing for more quiet time. Michael has been especially drowsy today, so this is good. I want him to get the rest he needs during the day because his sleep is disrupted at night, too.

However, last night was one of the best nights we've had in recent memory. Michael didn't call for me between just before 11 o'clock until shortly after 2 am, and I was able to fall asleep and stay asleep during that stretch of time. That was the longest I've slept during the night in some time, and it felt so good.

I finally took the time this afternoon to watch another message from my pastor regarding healing, and I'm going to make an effort to watch a message of his most days because it's faith affirming. I also need to take advantage of the time Michael's mom is here and get in a nap each afternoon before she leaves. These are some little things I can do to take better care of myself.

Out of Control

Something you can't really understand until you experience what we're experiencing is how very little control you have over your own life. Life as we once knew it has come to a screeching halt, and we are now on someone or something else's timeline. There's a huge loss of freedom for both of us.

I don't write this to solicit sympathy, but more so to help some understand why I try to establish the boundaries I do, and why it's essential that my boundaries be respected.

Because Michael is so weak, he can do very little for himself. That's why I've taken a leave of absence from work - he requires care 24/7. It's not just so I can be here with him and hang out with him. Around the clock I help him with the most basic of tasks. I don't want to elaborate on that out of respect for his dignity, but you can read between the lines. Throughout the night I am called on for reassurance or physical help approximately six times. This has reduced my sustained sleep to a maximum of about two hours at a time, and once I'm up it's not always easy to fall back to sleep. During the day, I have to manage his medication schedule, persuade him to eat, make him comfortable, etc. It's a full-time job. We do have our moms to help out, but most of the physically challenging stuff is up to me. I just had a massage on Wednesday and my lower back is already sore again.

Then there's the constant comings and goings of home health aides, Michael's nurse, family, and friends. I think we must have had more than twenty visits during the last week. I have tried to allow as many people to come and see Michael as possible, but we have reached critical mass in my opinion. What's really troubling me at this time is unexpected visitors. Please call our home number and talk to me to see if it's a good time for a visit, and please don't take offense if I say no. Please don't just show up or tag along with another group coming by. It's not that we don't love you or want to see you, it's that we're exhausted and your visit drains what precious little energy we have.

Being Michael's full-time caregiver is a privilege and a joy for me. I'm thankful that I'm in the position I am to stay home with him and give him my tender loving care. But, it's not easy - not at all. I'd just like to be better understood and shown a little more consideration.

Key points:

• Call me first at least a couple days ahead of time.
• Be flexible - your visit might be postponed if we've had a bad night or we're having a bad day.
• Come in groups of no more than two at a time.
• Limit your time with Michael to ten minutes.
• Don't be offended if I don't sit down and visit with you. I'm probably just too tired to do so.

One more thing to be aware of is that Michael does not talk on the phone anymore, and he rarely gets on the computer. It's best if you contact us on our home phone number instead of his cell phone, and please don't email anything you don't want me to read. I've seen some interesting things lately. :P

Okay, I'm going to leave it at that.

Michael's Owee Finger

The last few days have been difficult for Michael. The hospice doctor had visited last Sunday and promised to return at the end of the week to treat Michael's infected finger. As the week wore on, Michael was experiencing more pain from the infection, and we had to start using the Oxycodone once again really early this morning to manage his pain. Even at the lowest dosage, that really dopes him up and so he slept all day long, only waking to eat a little food now and then.

I think the pain from his finger permeated his dreams, because he would frequently call me into his bedroom in the middle of the night during the week to discuss when the doctor was coming. He even asked me in one of those middle-of-the-night conversations to make sure that the good doctor didn't amputate it. Oh, my...

The doctor finally arrived early this evening and quickly treated Michael's finger. His approach was much different than the way the urological surgeon had treated it back in December. At that time, the surgeon had lanced the side of the finger and did not do anything with the fingernail. The hospice doctor said the infection was basically an infected hangnail (which is what Michael has said it feels like for months now), and so he cut off part of the nail and some of the dead skin around it. All we have to do is change the dressing and apply Neosporin once a day for the next three days. After that, the doctor wants it to be exposed to the air. Michael will also take a course of antibiotics. I think he will be needing the Oxycodone through the night tonight, but I hope he'll start taking less of it during the day tomorrow and transition to Tylenol instead.

I told him this evening while I was feeding him dinner that I had been missing him while he slept all day. He opened his groggy eyes and gave me direct eye contact as he said, "I'll be back soon." Too cute.

Thankfully that has been his only pain so far. So, now that that's behind him, I hope that he'll have better days in the week to come.

Team Michael

I have received quite a few "atta girls" for the role I'm playing in Michael's journey, but I am not alone in my efforts. So I want to thank some people who are carrying us through this.

Marian - Michael's mom. She's such a sweetheart and I am blessed to have such a kind and generous mother-in-law. Marian spends several hours a day here with us cooking, cleaning, rubbing Michael's feet, and just being a great source of love and strength.

Linelle - my mom. She's also here several hours most days. Mom prepares breakfast, does laundry, prunes my roses, and is my soft shoulder to lean on. Mom has had a lot of good ideas about things that will improve Michael's comfort and care, and she's always showing up with something we need for him.

Julie - my sister. While I was still working, Julie was here most of the day on Fridays caring for Michael so that my mom and Marian could have a day off. She is so tender with Michael. Julie has cooked for us, done laundry, and started pruning my roses last week.

Charlie - Michael's big brother. He's is a professional landscaper and he's been caring for our yards since last summer when it became too much for Michael to do anymore. Charlie has been a huge help to us.

Arlette - a good friend of Michael's. Arlette comes once a week with an incredible dinner for us (she and her husband are restauranteurs), and she gives Michael a massage. Today she gave me a massage, too. I really needed that.

Pastor Ray - our pastor friend. Ray takes the time to listen to us, he encourages us with God's Word, prays with us, and he is unwavering in his belief that Michael will experience healing. I am so grateful that he's made himself available to us in this time.

And there are so many other dear people who have made us dinner - coworkers of mine, friends, and family. A good friend of ours, Peggy, put us in touch with the meals coordinator at her church whose responsibility it is to coordinate meals for families in crisis. Thanks to Peggy and Mary, we were able to coordinate friends over the next five weeks to deliver meals to us three times a week. This is such a blessing.

And there are countless other friends, neighbors, acquaintances, blogger friends, and family members who have been praying for us, or who have reached out with words of encouragement, sent us flowers, fresh fruit, cards, etc. We have just been showered with love and concern. It's humbling, really.

So, thank you all for all you do for us. Go, team Michael! :)

Standing in Faith

As I mentioned here yesterday, we were visited by two associate pastors from our church in the afternoon. Pastor Ray has been a frequent presence in our lives in the last two months, and it was he who led Michael to the Lord. I don't know if I mentioned before on the blog how we came to meet him or not, but I know God's hand was in it. I had not met Pastor Ray at church, but he is the son of some friends of Michael's mother. She met him at his wife's baby shower back in October. It was that meeting that opened the door for me to contact him when I felt we were in need of some spiritual guidance. It was one of those small world things.

Yesterday, Pastor Ray brought another pastor with him - Pastor Tom. Pastor Tom told us a bit about his background before prayer with us. As a young man he attended seminary and came very close to becoming an ordained priest in the Catholic church. However, his desire to marry one day prevented him from making the final commitment required for that. He did continue in ministry, primarily by praying for the sick. He then told us numerous stories of those he has prayed for in the name of Jesus and their subsequent healing.

When the time came to pray for Michael, Pastor Tom anointed him with frankincense and myrrh. He prayed a simple prayer and asked for Michael's healing in the name of Jesus. He then told us to wait and be strong in faith. His confidence in Michael's healing was inspiring. Pastor Tom also prayed for me and Michael's mom because he knows how hard it is to see one's son or husband suffering. He prayed for our continued strength and peace of mind.

So, we are standing in faith for Michael's complete healing and eagerly anticipating the day when we are shown the evidence of it. Michael slept well last night and he says he feels good this morning. He is out of bed and enjoying a bowl of yogurt and granola while he sits on the couch in our living room. It's going to be a good day!

Good News

Since yesterday morning, Michael has improved. Praise God for that! He has gotten out of bed, spent time on the couch, talked more, and slept better at night. We are encouraged!

On Sunday the hospice doctor came for a visit. He was a breath of fresh air as he was focused on Michael's life, not his death. He encouraged Michael to eat so that he would gain strength. He also offered to do a little procedure on Michael's finger. This is the finger that has been infected since November. Michael was apprehensive about that offer, but has since decided to allow the doctor to treat his finger. Later this week, Dr. F will return for that. He also recommended that Michael resume taking the steroid he had been on since early January. We had discontinued this the last time we saw Dr. K on his recommendation that Michael discontinue all medications. Well, Dr. F said it was beneficial for lung function and for appetite. He increased the dosage a bit so that Michael would get more benefit from it. One of the things Dr. F mentioned to me that gave me a renewed sense of hope is that all cancers have a 3-7% chance of spontaneous remission. He says he has witnessed it himself. I did not solicit that information from him in any way, and Michael was doing so poorly at the time that I didn't think he could make it much longer. So, that bit of information gave my hope a big boost.

Yesterday Michael had a bath in bed. Our home health aide got him all cleaned up and she shaved his scruffy stubble, too. Now I can have scratch-free kisses from him. I know a lot of men have fantasies about getting a sponge bath from a cute nurse, but Michael would tell you that it's not all it's cracked up to be. He would prefer to get in the shower and do it himself. Hopefully he will continue to feel stronger and we can go back to doing things that way.

Please join us in prayer around three o'clock this afternoon if possible. We are having two pastors come to pray over Michael at that time. In your prayers, please stand in agreement with us for Michael's complete healing.

Is any sick among you? Let him call for the elders of the church; and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord; and the prayer of faith shall save the sick, and the Lord will raise him up, and if he has committed sins, they shall be forgiven him.

James 5:14

Tears

I cry every night - every night since we have not been able to sleep in the same bed together. I feel robbed of the most tangible comfort I ever knew. I miss cuddling with my husband before sleep, making love, and even hearing him snore periodically through the night. Now I find myself in a big half-empty bed. He still greets me with a smile in the morning, but I have to walk into the other bedroom for that. No more morning cuddles in bed.

As his body gets weaker, he has less energy for conversation. I miss talking about our future plans - whether they be about our next weekend getaway, this summer's vacation, home improvement ideas, or the babies we've tried so hard to have. We planned to do so much together. That was one of the things Michael has said he loves the most about being married - shared goals. We had a lot of those. Now I can't even imagine what my future holds, but I know it will be much different than I expected it would be just a year ago.

So much is slipping away from us. Each day a little more of him is suppressed by the effects of the cancer. He is still sweet and kind, attentive to me, but more quiet and withdrawn than in weeks past. It's heartbreaking. This isn't supposed to happen at this stage of our lives.

My house is cluttered with medical equipment and supplies from hospice, and various items we've purchased or been loaned in vain attempts to make Michael more comfortable. Nothing here is normal anymore.

Lest you think my faith is shaken, it is not. But even Jesus wept.

Weeping may last through the night,

but joy comes with the morning.

Psalm 30:5

Week in Review

Each day has been graced with visits from family or friends. As much as we have enjoyed these times, I think we will have to limit them even more in the week to come. Michael has precious little energy at this point.

His appetite is decreasing. I've noticed that he will still eat a good portion for breakfast, but for lunch and dinner he eats much less than he did even a week ago.

Michael is very weak. It is getting more difficult for him to walk around the house. I help him out of bed and up off the couch. His legs are just so weak.

When he was taking pain medication after Tuesday's procedure, he was able to sleep fairly well. Oxycodone made him very drowsy. Now that he's off the narcotic, he is having a more difficult time sleeping. Doesn't seem fair that someone who's so tired shouldn't be able to sleep. Cancer really sucks.

We're fighting our fatigue and discouragement with, what else, faith in the Lord. Michael went to bed early last night, and I watched more of Pastor Bayless' teaching about healing on DVD. Pastor Bayless is so right about the power of the Word. We started our day today with a reading from Romans 4:16-21, and now we're enjoying music from the Fernando Ortega radio station on Pandora. Michael used to play with Fernando at South Coast Community Church where we met way back when. Fernando's songs and hymns are so soothing and comforting. The rain clouds have departed, the birds are singing, and we are hoping for a good day.

A Little of This, A Little of That

The weekend was difficult, but we seem to be charting calmer waters now. It seems that every time I/we make some spiritual growth, or gain a new understanding of the Word, that within a short time we are encountering new conflicts and difficulties. Saturday morning we met with our pastor friend Ray and had a good time of teaching and praying with him, but he warned me that we would be challenged in the hours and days to come. He was so right. I'm beginning to see the importance of starting my day in the Word and in prayer to better prepare me for difficult moments. Now that I'm not working, that can become part of my daily routine.

Ah, yes, now that I'm not working...

I have begun an indefinite leave of absence from work to stay home and care for Michael. I have great peace about this. Last week and this week my class has been with a good friend and great substitute teacher, and next week my long-term substitute will take over. I have a lot of confidence in both of them, and I know my students will continue to receive a fine education while I'm gone. I am relieved to be able to focus all that I have on Michael's care.

Yesterday, Michael had a catheter inserted in his right lung. During the procedure the doctors drained off another liter of fluid. Aside from some discomfort at the site of the catheter, he is breathing easier and not coughing as much as before. His pain has been well-managed with low doses of oxycodone. The catheter will enable us to drain any more fluid at home instead of making return trips to the hospital.

This morning we had a visit from the intake nurse with hospice. She fully assessed our situation here and ordered up everything we needed. Just a little while ago, a hospital bed and some other items were delivered to the house. Later in the week we will meet the nurse and the home health aide assigned to us.

We spent the afternoon enjoying a visit with a dear friend of Michael's who brought us an incredible dinner (thanks, Eric!), and Michael's Aunt Sally and his mom. Now he's tuckered out and he's napping on the couch next to me. I'm always amazed at his ability to sleep sitting up. I don't know how people do that.

Tomorrow holds a couple more short visits with dear friends. Seems I'm not the only one who finds this guy incredibly lovable!

Here's the devotion from Streams in the Desert that I read this morning that sums up some of the teaching we've been given lately:

God here speaks in the immediate present (referring to Joshua 1:2). It is not something He is going to do, but something He does do, this moment. So faith ever speaks. So God ever gives. So He is meeting you today, in the present moment. This is the test of faith. So long as you are waiting for a thing, hoping for it, looking for it, you are not believing. It may be hope, it may be earnest desire, but it is not faith; for "faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." The command in regard to believing prayer is the present tense. "When you pray, believe that you receive the things that you desire, and you shall have them." Have we come to that moment? Have we met God in His everlasting NOW?

This is what I'm trying to wrap my head around these days, and I'm trying to lead Michael in this as well. I can see his faith growing. He shared some really sweet things about Jesus with us today. Makes me love him even more.

A Wife's Plea

Please respect our wishes regarding treatment from this point on. We are well-informed about the type of cancer Michael has and the various treatment options for it. We have sought out and gone to great lengths to work with one of the best kidney cancer programs in the nation. We know Dr. K has done everything that can be done medically for Michael.

Please respect our space. Our home is only about 850 square feet. When you come to visit, please come in small groups of two or three at a time.

Please respect our time. Michael tires very quickly. When we ask that you stay for a short time, it's not because we don't want to see you or spend time with you, it's because it takes so much out of him.

Please choose topics of conversation that are life affirming and not focused on death. We are still focused on living and enjoying the time we have together.

Please leave your doubt at the door. We are living in faith that God will do something the doctors cannot do. We know the odds are against us inasmuch as what we know to be true from a medical standpoint, but we are choosing to live each day trusting God for healing. This gives us a hope and a peace of mind we cannot have if we focus on our doubts and fears.

Thank you.

From the Bottom of Our Hearts

I am overwhelmed by the love and support we've received here since my post yesterday. Thank you for leaving a comment, taking our situation up in prayer, and just caring for us as you do. Each of you is a blessing for our broken hearts right now.

Although I'm up earlier than I wanted to be, I did sleep well. Sleep is such a relief when one is troubled. Michael's is trying to sleep in, but when I checked on him he told me he was able to get some sleep. I will let him doze for another hour or so before I get him up for breakfast.

Later this morning our pastor friend Ray will be coming by to pray for Michael. We had hoped to attend a healing service at church on Thursday night, but we were unable to once Michael's doctor admitted him to the hospital. Pastor Ray will be anointing Michael's head with oil and praying over him. Please join us in prayer. I still believe that my God is bigger than cancer. I still believe that healing is possible.

Whatever comes, we are resting in the knowledge that we do not walk this path alone. The Lord is with us and He will not forsake us. He has surrounded us with so many loving friends and family members. I am so thankful to have an eternal perspective on this life and the next. It doesn't take away the grief, but it offers comfort and hope that sickness and even death cannot corrupt. I praise God that Michael has decided to walk the rest of his life's journey with Jesus.

Heavy Hearted

We just woke up here at Santa Monica/UCLA Hospital. After our appointment with Dr. K yesterday, we had to make some tough decisions. The chest x-ray on Wednesday showed that Michael's cancer treatment has not been effective. Dr. K said to quit taking it immediately. He said that anything else he might prescribe would have a very slim chance of being effective, and he did not recommend it. We were in agreement that it's time to stop all treatment. Lots of tears were shed, but I think we knew this was coming.

Dr. K did recommend that we address the issue of the fluid in Michael's lungs. That's why we're here at the hospital. Today Michael will have a procedure to drain the fluid and to insert a catheter in his lung(s) so that we can drain the fluid at home in the days and weeks to come. Michael was very reluctant about all of this, but the doctor and I convinced him that it would improve the quality of the life he has left to live.

When we leave the hospital later today, we will have arrangements with hospice for the remainder of the journey.

Our hearts are broken, of course. I'm trying to keep my mind on the day at hand and hold it together. I will be making arrangements to take an indefinite amount of time off to be home with Michael from here on out. I have a lot of peace about that.

Words cannot express how incredibly difficult this all is, so I'm going to leave it at that.

More Breathing Matters

Things just haven't been that much better. The only new medicine Michael had been prescribed on Monday was taken just twice before he decided he wouldn't take it again. Sleep continued to elude him. I was all dressed and ready to leave for work today when I was seized by the realization that I needed to take some action and get him a better treatment. So, I called for a substitute teacher, and started making phone calls.

The first call was to the GP's office. It turned out that Michael's GP wasn't in the office this week, but a colleague of his had an open appointment in the afternoon. Michael was not happy about having to go to the doctor again. He'd told my mother that he didn't think he could handle the walking required to get in and out of the doctors' offices anymore. So, my mother, being the amazingly resourceful and generous person she is, rented a wheelchair for him. That made getting around far less stressful for him. Thanks, Mom!

Then I called Dr. K's office, but I only got the voicemail. This has been a problem for about a week now. Turns out that Dr. K's original assistant has returned to work after a leave of absence, and the young woman we were dealing with for months and months is no longer there. Anyway, I finally got through to the new/old assistant, and she contacted Dr. K with our concerns and now Michael will see him on Thursday afternoon.

At the GP's we were very pleased with the doctor we saw. She asked a lot of questions and had some good ideas. Initially, I thought she would just refer us to another pulmonologist for a second opinion, but I think she could see that Michael needed something done immediately. She ordered a chest x-ray, told him to resume taking his cough medicine (he had decided not to take this a while back - ugh!), and she prescribed a nebulizer for home use.

Michael had a nebulizer treatment before we left, and I think it really helped him. He really seemed to perk up afterward. We will have to wait until tomorrow to get the home nebulizer unit, though. That's my task for tomorrow morning.

As for me, I've arranged for a substitute for the remainder of the week. I just feel like I need to be here for Michael. I was hopeful that we'd be able to attend a healing service at church tomorrow night, but with our late afternoon appointment tomorrow it's not going to work. I think I'll ask our pastor friend to arrange for Michael to be prayed over at home instead.

Never in my life have I felt like I was living so day-to-day before. But that's what a serious illness does to one's existence. It's hard to make plans beyond the day you're in. It's contrary to my nature as a planner, but I'm trying to just go with it as this is the season of life I find myself in.